Kristus_Vesanus's Xanga

Friday, November 06, 2009

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 18:05:08 GMT

I spent a good portion of the first part of my life worrying about my future. Not in the specific sense, but generally. I vaguely believed in some cosmic type of karmic retribution. I was always told that I was gifted and it showed throughout portions of my life. Somehow I was naturally athletic-I was picked first for every team and I seemed to excel in any sport I tried. Also, I was smart. I learned everything the first time it was explained and always got straight A's without trying. Of course, up until about the third grade, these were the most important things for boys. I knew that I hadn't worked for either of these advantages, so I worried about the future. I worried that I was in for some definite bad luck in the future.

These past few months have been the most difficult in my life for a number of different reasons. I know now that there are things more important than being smart and being athletic. I also know that I am not the smartest or the fastest anymore. But I still feel like I am least above average in intellect and athleticism. I wonder if this semester has been my karmic retribution for being somehow blessed with good genes. But I think the truer answer is that this is the result. I didn't have to work hard when I was younger and, thus, never learned how to work hard. I never really had to push myself to get any better because I was just as good as I needed to be. And I was always told that I had tons of talent, and being a naive kid, I expected that would be enough. Obviously there are a ton of other important things that can help make you successful: ambition, a good work ethic, people skills. I have trouble with a lot of these other skills. And, let me tell you, that really makes things difficult.

Thursday, November 05, 2009

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 20:05:31 GMT

Have you ever noticed the people who get extremely upset when their unreasonable demands don't get accepted? They feel like they are entitled to anything and everything and when other people don't recognize that, they get upset, start cursing and blaming other people. I feel like I am the counter to that. I've seen so many people like this and it really disgusts me. They call us the entitlement generation, but I don't think it's really all of us. Having seen all these truly selfish people, I try to distance myself as far as possible from them. So, a lot of the time, I don't make some fairly reasonable demands, or don't argue for my reasonable demands, because I don't want to be seen as a selfish brat. But I don't think this is the best course to go, because sometimes I become the doormat. I am very amiable, and I think that generally other people are too. Most demands are reasonable, but I see others as more reasonable than my own because of my fear of coming across as selfish.

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 06:10:26 GMT

It seems that a lot of the time, I'm worried about offending people too much. Somehow, I'm worried that I will lose a valuable relationship with someone if I don't agree with them or make an off-color remark or just simply do something they don't like, I might lose that relationship. That's crazy. I don't always completely agree with other people and I go along with them and do things I don't necessarily want to do. People aren't going to abandon me because I want to seek out my own happiness. If they are true friends, they're going to encourage me to do this.

But I still worry, that even if these aren't true friends, they might be the best I can do. So why risk it? Does that make me crazy?

So, basically, what I'm trying to say is that if I offend you, I am comfortable with that relationship.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 02:01:54 GMT

Sometimes, I think life is just about riding the low points until you hit the high points again. Life isn't all great, but we have to manage through the low points so we can enjoy the high points. Lately, things haven't been going well for me. It just seems like one thing after another goes wrong for me. I haven't gotten any luck and I haven't been able to make any luck for myself. But finally something has gone my way. I get to do market research for candy downtown tomorrow for a $100. It's the first real good thing to happen to me unexpectedly in quite a few months. Hopefully this is a sign that a few more good things will be happening to me soon.

Sunday, October 11, 2009

Sun, 11 Oct 2009 02:53:51 GMT

How would I describe myself in one sentence? I hear this and my mind just breaks off into a dozen different directions at once, stretching my thoughts to the point where they are spider-silk thin. I guess I don't really know how to define myself. Most of my world seems to be my philosophies and thinking. A lot. I am constantly trying to make sense of the world and myself. But I could also describe myself using the speech team. For the past 2+ years, I've spent more quantitative time doing that than anything else. I could describe myself as a slacker, a procrastinator. I could be a computer geek. I read a lot. I enjoy a game of chess. I am a lover, not a fighter. I'm passive-aggressive. I am constantly seeking more from my world and seemingly because of this, never satisfied. I am constantly discovering new things. I love meeting new people, but I also have trouble going up to new people and talking to them. I greatly enjoy organized sports but hardly get a chance to play them. I could say that I'm a student at Northern Illinois University, but that seems so superficial. I play video games. I want to be an editor someday.

But really, who wants to read all that? What is the best representation of who I really am?

In just one sentence.

Monday, October 05, 2009

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 09:21:54 GMT

There was a time when the most frustrating thing was knowing that I wasn't the one making her happy anymore. Now I know that I am that person for someone else now and I can get over it. It's quite a nice feeling.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 03:40:47 GMT

I guess I'm just the kind of guy who needs someone to reach out to me. That's all I'm looking for.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 05:03:42 GMT

I just want to point out that I give excellent advice and when people don't listen to me, it's really quite frustrating. I don't want to say "I-told-you-so" all the time, so I don't. But I could if I wanted. And that's the frustrating part.

Monday, June 01, 2009

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 16:58:09 GMT

Holy shit. I'm 21 now.

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Sat, 30 May 2009 04:49:49 GMT

Sometimes I feel that we are in a headlong rush, leaving all of our best moments in the past, retained as simply memories. All of us slowly drifting further and further from the best days of our lives.

And sometimes I don't.